Our society feels uncomfortable around grief. Lose a loved one, grieve for a few days, and get back to work. Get back out there. Get back on your routine, work full time, go see friends, distract yourself from all of your true feelings.
That doesn’t work. You can’t hide from grief. You can’t ignore it, and you don’t need to fit back in to society.
You need to grieve. Grieving doesn’t last a week, or a month. It takes time, a lot of time, and it’s time that our society recognized that. The business world doesn’t stop for grief, it doesn’t know how.
My father-in-law died two weeks after my last day in corporate America. It was supposed to be the most exciting time in our life: we were starting a business. One that we worked for months and months at to get ready to launch. We’d done our research, saved our money, had a few clients, and then, from out of nowhere, our world tore open, horribly, dramatically, tragically. We were shaken, turned upside down, couldn’t move.
That was over a month ago. These past several weeks have been awful, to say the least. The process has been easiest on me, but for my husband, it’s ripped him apart, rightly so. For me, I’ve managed our new business as best as possible, and he’s helped out an incredible amount, but we had to put a lot of things on hold. We lost a few clients. Our savings that we thought would last for months is going by rapidly. We just can’t take on the work load that we would be able to take on, under more normal circumstances.
And all of that is OK. None of it really matters. What matters is that we have time to grieve.
Quitting my job at that time turned out to be the absolute best decision I could have ever made. I had no idea. I just knew I was done. I wanted out. Freedom felt incredible, and at the same time, it was so freaking scary. I had no idea, none of us had any idea, how much I needed that freedom. Two weeks later, when our lives fell apart, we were able to drop everything and hit the road, to be with family, to stop our lives, to cook and clean and comfort and cry and share and love and listen and, mostly, to sit in silence, to hold each other, to grieve. For 5 weeks we’ve been able to do that. Working a bit, here and there, but mostly, grieving.
It’s beautiful to get this time. I feel incredibly fortunate that we have it, that we’re fully able to feel it, and that I didn’t have an 8-5 job to get back to. That I didn’t have to take my 2 bereavement days and my 2 weeks accrued vacation and wonder how much extra time I could get. That we could just go, and be present.
So grieving, it takes time, and it needs time, and your world can stop. Nothing else matters. I read of other countries outside of North America who give fathers paternity leave, and give mothers huge amounts of maternity leave. We all need grief leave as well. Some people want to get back to work after loss, and I get that, it’s easiest to hide from problems. That’s what alcohol and pills and binging is for as well. But I really think it’s best to let that uncomfortable, sad, painful time sit. Let the suffering sit. Don’t run away from it. Let it be. Fully embrace it. Cry and sob and yell and throw and feel.
And then, when the time is right, get back out there, get back on your fitness schedule, get to work, get on track. You’ll know when the time is right.
For me, whenever I’m sad, upset, or depressed, I eat, a lot. It’s been my routine throughout my life. I crave desserts and breads and anything sweet, which is how these muffins came to be. They go great with a morning coffee or tea, served warm or cool, and I’m sure they’ll last for a few days on the counter, or a week in the fridge.
Good Grief Banana Nut Muffins
Ingredients
- 2 tbsp. flax seeds, ground
- 6 tbsp. warm water
- 2 bananas, ripe
- 1 c. flour
- 1 c. rolled oats
- 3/4 tbsp. baking soda
- 1/4 tsp. salt
- 2 tbsp. chia seeds
- 3/4 c. almond milk
- 1/4 c. agave syrup
- 1 tsp. vanilla
- 1/2 c. dark chocolate chips
- 1/2 c. walnuts, chopped
- coconut oil for serving, optional
Instructions
- Heat your oven to 350 degrees. Lightly spray your muffin tins, or use paper liners.
- In a small bowl, mix the ground flax seeds with the warm water, and set aside.
- In a large bowl, mash the bananas, and set aside.
- In a medium bowl, combine the flour, oats, baking soda, salt and chia seeds, and stir well.
- Add the flour mixture to the bananas. Lightly mix the ingredients together.
- Add the milk, syrup, vanilla and flax mixture to the banana mixture, and stir well.
- Fold in the dark chocolate chips and the walnuts.
- Scoop the mixture into the muffin tins, about 3/4 of the way full. This will get you about 18 muffins.
- Bake for 18-20 minutes, or until a toothpick in the center comes out clean.
- Remove from the oven, and let cool before serving. These are delicious on their own, or add a pat of coconut oil to the top for a bit of extra yum.