– On being gray in your 40-s –
I went to hear my husband perform the other night in Santa Fe. Upon entering, I chatted briefly with the woman running the door. When it came time to pay, she went through the ticket prices, explaining the senior and adult costs, and then asked if I was a senior.
“Are you f&@*Ing kidding me?” Is what I wanted to say.
I didn’t. I calmly replied, “No, I’m not a senior”.
I’m 44.
You would think by now that this wouldn’t upset me so much. I stopped coloring my hair in 2014, at the age of 34. I had gone gray in my early 20s and was simply sick and tired of going to a salon every 5 weeks. No offense to those who work in salons, but they are my least favorite places: small talk, gossip, women telling long stories about their children…. nothing on earth makes me cringe more than a day at the salon.
So, I stopped coloring my hair. My male friends were ecstatic, completely cheering me on. My husband has encouraged and supported me from day one. My female friends were a little less excited about this move, although deep down they get it. As women, we spend so much time on appearances, when appearances are the least important thing in life.
In 2019, 6 years ago, I was asked if my best friend, who is 4 days younger than me, was my daughter. I was shocked, but laughed it off, although it stung.
In 2021, 2 years later, I was asked if I had any kids or grandkids. This stung a little more, but I kindly replied I had none of both, and ended the conversation as quickly as I could.
So you would think the other night wouldn’t have hurt so badly, that I’d be used to this, and I could just shrug it off. But, I didn’t… I tossed and turned when I got home, and cried the following morning. I then spent a few hours googling how to make my hair look less gray naturally. I then googled what it would look like to add brown streaks to my hair, maybe adding a bit of “youth” back to my appearance. If that wasn’t enough, I followed it up by googling what facials, lasers and botox can do to make my face look younger, because maybe it’s my face, too, not just my hair.
You know, because “appearances are the least important thing in life”.
I’ve finally calmed down and reminded myself that I love my gray hair. And I miss my brown hair. Both statements can be true. I’ve lived so much of my life thinking things have to be a certain way, that I have to believe this one very important thing and I can’t change from that… that certain beliefs are my identity. That gray hair is my identity. That veganism is my identity. I love these parts of me, and they work perfectly in my life now, but they don’t have to be my identity. They can just be my choice, for now, in how I’m living my life.
For some reason, that makes this so much freer. It makes me love my grays even more, and veganism even more, knowing that I’m not confined to this. I can choose one way or the other.
And for now, I choose this.
With love,
Jen