I wrote a post about an article I read about a football player who has 9 kids and based on God’s will, he might have more. My post talked about how ridiculous this is and if there was a God, wouldn’t that God be like – hey, humans, stop reproducing! There’s too many of you and you’ve fucked up everything I’ve given you! You’ve ruined the rivers and the oceans and burned down the forests and treated your fellow humans horribly and treated animals horribly. Stop making more of you!

Am I right? Do any of y’all feel this way? Or is this my cynical self coming back out?

Anyway.

Based on my last blog post and how concerned you all got, I decided it’s best if I deleted everything I wrote and tried to be a little more optimistic.

So that’s what this post is. Me trying to be optimistic.

It’s so hard for me to be optimistic these days.

Don’t you feel like the news only tells you how dumb humanity is? Are y’all with me? I’ve stopped all news, again, and stopped all social media, again, aside from whenever I post a blog. Then I have to log on and schedule said social media post. It’s all I can do to manage what might appear in front of my face during said log in session. I’m just so disappointed by humanity right now.

So instead of looking at news or Pinterest or social media, I look only at Zillow. I mentioned this in my last blog as well. Fort Worth, man, I never wanted to move here. I really dreaded it, cried uncontrollably, couldn’t imagine leaving Nashville. And there have been many months where I’ve said – it’s all in how I look at things! Just look at things with rose colored glasses! Fort Worth is great! That works for a bit, because really this city has soooo much to offer. It does. Our lives have been so good here, for real. It’s been a great city for us and I don’t regret the move.

But quickly, I get into a dark place yet again. I’ve been in this dark place for so long now.

Whoa, so, not much optimism. It’s apparently not happening today.

What’s funny is – we’re finally renovating our home. 9 years later, we finally picked the materials and found the right guys and it’s happening. Landscaping is done. Bathroom #1 is halfway done. Bathroom #2 starts in a few short weeks. The materials are here, and I have them laid out, and I can’t stop looking at them. THEN the kitchen. Oh man I can’t wait for the kitchen. These damn tile countertops finally get to go away. My house is so dusty, and sometimes noisy. So much is going on. I’m in love.

And I’m remembering allll the work we did to our East Nashville house and how in love with it I was when we finished renovating. We moved to Texas 6 months later, sold the house during an economic depression, and lost a shit ton of money.

I wonder if history will repeat itself? That’s all I can think of these days. Apparently economic depressions make my husband and I want to up and move.

I love my house. I’m insane in love with my neighborhood. But damn, my list of loves stops hard and fast. Maybe it’s Covid. Maybe it’s not that bad. Maybe I need to get out and look at all the architecture in this city and art museums and the river and all the neat things here. Maybe it’s me.

What’s most insane is I keep looking at homes in Dallas, the place I’m from, the place I have sworn over and over I would never live in again. Why am I looking? I want creative people in my life. I want more musicians in my life. I want thinkers in my life. I want people who are educated and open minded and not all white. I want all of that in my life.

Is that here? Of course it is, on a small scale. A really small scale.

Is it where you live? Where do you live? Where do y’all come from? I used to know. I used to follow those things, and I’d see you readers. You in California and in Texas and in Virginia and in Italy and the UK. I saw y’all, and I loved it. I loved dreaming about who read these words and what y’all were into and how you found my blog.

And then it all felt a little creepy: like, I don’t really need to know where you all come from. I don’t need to know how you got here. I’m just glad you’re here.

But now, now I want to know. Where are you? Do you like where you live? What would you change about your life if you could? Has Covid made you question things? Has it put you in a daze like me, or has it made you energized, or has it made you grateful?

I am grateful. I promise. I’m not all dark and doom. I’m mostly grateful, really. I just have words that need to come out and a place in order to put them and I think there’s people out there who feel the same, and who can connect over some of these words, or have a feeling about some of these words, and we can talk through that in a civilized, open manner.

That’s the point.

Oh, and cooking, too. That was the point, too. To share recipes. Although I don’t do that these days. My food comes from Door Dash and Grub Hub and my drinks come from Drizzly and Amazon and Shipt, and my expanding waistline proves it. It’s OK. I actually don’t mind the weight gain for once in my life. I’m not trying to prove anything, and weighing a certain amount does nothing but take a ton of work and a ton of me thinking about the foods I can’t eat and the drinks I can’t drink. And that’s no damn way to live a life. So I won’t get fat. And I also won’t be obsessed with the size 4 or 6 jeans I’ll never be able to fit into again. A-ok.

So, back to it. How are you doing? How are you coping? And where do you live? And what do you like about it? Feel free to comment on the social media I just dogged, or you can always email me. I’ll always reply.

With love,
Jen
jen@wayfaringvegan.com